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Some of the symptoms I have always known I have: slow and careful to get friends (usually I'd rather not have them), it is rare for me to really like a guy and if I do it is easy for me to talk myself out of it (just give me a week or two), it is a constant battle to convince myself to want a family of my own (my worst fear is that I will marry a guy and he will die leaving me alone or that I will have a child at it will die and I will lose myself in depression).
Symptoms I've learned this semester: I have an internal debate every time I am invited to do something with our group (the more time I spent with them the more I will be attached and when you're attached it is harder to move on), I don't even like to keep my text books because they will end up being outdated, I don't like to take photos of me in a group because I will then have to associate that place with those people and once it seems I am close to someone I have to pull myself away or I end up feeling totally smothered.
I was asked this semester if I had my heart broken or some sort of bad experience to make me this way and as far as I knew, I hadn't. As I notice more and more of my issues, I have given a lot of thought to what would cause me to have these fears and act this way. Then, a few nights ago, I remembered a time when I was about 10-years old, my little sister was about 4 and we shared the bottom of a white metal bunk-bed. One day, she was attacked by a dog. I didn't see it happen but I remember her screaming and I remember seeing my mom hold her with blood all over the two of them. My dad drove to the hospital as my mom held her and us three kids stayed home with my grandma. I remember that night being horribly long and scary. She had tons of stitches and puncture wounds on her face and head but she was alive and had no lasting problems. I know this was traumatic for me because as I look back, for months after, I would hold her hand while she slept and cry myself to sleep as I imagined how I could've lived without her. (Just writing this is making me feel like I need paper bag to breath into.) This is the first instance I can think that I felt this fear of someone leaving me, and I guess it just stuck with me.So, in a nut shell it has been a great semester. I am mostly looking forward to next semester. Truly, the only thing I am nervous about is that another semester with my insta-friends will inevitably lead to getting even closer :)
Photo from Here |
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Photo from Here |
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Thanks to my mama, I have a multi-use Ninja blender that works great for such a project |
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Adam, Michael, Me & Hannah |
Everyday on my mission I would stop and talk with young people at the bus stop or walking down the street. Through just a short conversation with these people I was able to feel not only their great desire to know more about God and Jesus Christ, but Heavenly Father’s love and desire to have them as part of his fold. Disappointedly, these people always refused a visit. They did so not out of disregard or malice, but because they literally didn’t have the time to have a meeting. They worked all day then took night classes all night, the only hours they were at home was after college at 11:30pm until they were out the door at 6am to head to work. The truth was being held back from them because they were too busy. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t let that be the case for me anymore.
Since I have had that experience, I have worked less hours and focused on my family and schooling. Consequently, my family relationships have gotten stronger and each semester for the last two years my grades have been better and better. As I battled the grades from my carefree days, I was able to graduate with an above average GPA. I will be starting this program with a passion to do my best and without past grades to battle with, making me an ideal scholar for the communication department. Any award of scholarship would be a great stepping-stone in helping me keep my promise to myself and to reach my future goals.
Financially I am in need of assistance because my parents are unable to support me through my college pursuit. They are both public school teachers; my mother teaches high school English and my father teaches second grade. Growing up in a household that believes “if there’s a will, there’s a way,” has taught me to reach for the stars and not settle for mediocrity. Through their example I have learned that I can make a difference in the world and have been placed on this path, hopefully, to do just that.
Thank you for this opportunity to be in the communication department and for taking the time to consider me for financial assistance.