Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Didn't you know? I'm in The Lion King.

My entire life, I have been a night owl. (It's a little ironic that I am writing this at 5 am because I can't sleep.) My mom tells stories of that when I was a baby and she would put me to bed, no matter what she did, I would always outlast her.

That evolved into endless nights staring at sesame street wallpaper making up stories to go along with the characters as a toddler. I don't ever remember watching sesame street except when we stayed home from school. However, the wallpaper in my room was white and it had rows of doors or houses with rows of the sesame characters in between. So, I would make up stories and imagine the different characters going to the different houses for tea, movies, games... you name it, I acted it out in my mind.

After that, came school where I found an excuse for my insomnia. My problem has never been sleeping. Once I fall asleep, I am out. I mean seriously, I have forgotten to set an alarm and slept for 20 hours once. My problem is getting tired enough or having my brain slow down enough to let me fall asleep. 

Just recently, a new chapter has been added to this insomnia, in the past month or so... I fall asleep and don't sleep very well or very long. Hence, the need for drastic measures. I found an app called sleep maker. It plays the noise of crickets chirping near a stream. I have never slept better in my life. I just focus on the sounds which inevitably puts my mind on the same line of thoughts each night: sleeping out under the stars. 

This is very similar to the sound my phone makes...
To get the full ambiance necessary for this post to be good, 
you should start playing this as you finish reading.

The first place this takes me is to my very first, that I can remember, camping trip. My dad and brothers would go on a yearly fishing trip to Utah. I was never allowed to go, until this year (I think I was 7). I was so excited to be part of the fishing group! I was on cloud 9 the whole time. That is until I got sicker than a dog. I woke up in the middle of the night (our first night at camp) throwing up and had diarrhea. I was miserable. No toilet, no sink, no mom to give me a cup of sprite and a wet wash cloth on my head. I don't remember much more about that night but thankfully early in the morning my dad had us all packed up and we checked into a motel so I could be sick there. 

What a good dad. But what a bad memory to go to sleep to, so I continue to rack my brian for another experience to go to sleep with.

The only one I can come up with is when my pals and I looked up in the sky at the stars and tried to decide what they are made of. One friend thought that they were fireflies stuck up in big bluish black thing. Another friend thought that they were balls of gas burning billions of miles away. Best of all, one friend thought that the great kings of the past are up there watching over us, or rather a bunch of royal dead guys are watching us. 

Yes, at night with crickets in the back ground, I interject myself into scenes of The Lion King. There is something wrong with me. But, I have been sleeping like a baby the last couple weeks. So who could ask for more? 

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Go, Dog. Go!

Often times, I wish that I could live in a life where it was sociably acceptable to be a pink poodle asking a yellow dog with black spots, if he liked my hat. 

Go, Dog. Go! happens to be one of my favorite children's books. I love so many things about it, but mainly its simplicity. There are big dogs, so of course, there are little dogs. 

There are fast dogs, which means there are slow dogs.
 And when a little bird stands in the road all the dogs will stop. 

There is also, a stylish pink dog who wants more than anything to pull of wearing a hat. Hats on women are more rare than they used to be, so it takes a good hat and a bold woman to make it work. 
This pink dog was bold if I ever saw a bold dog. But, like any woman she had some insecurities of being able to pull of such a daring gesture; did it go with her eyes, did it make her look fat, was it too much... As a result, like all woman so tragically do, she asked a mans advice. This, however, is no ordinary girl ask boy, boy tells white lie, girl goes to a party in an ugly hat story. This dog has balls of steal, doesn't care what the sassy pink dog thinks, and tells her the truth.

The moral that I got from this story is that girls and guys can talk open and honestly with each other and it doesn't have to be awkward after. When the yellow dog said he hated the ugly blue hat with the hideous yellow flower, did the pink dog sulk away spitting profanities at him and swearing to never speak to him again? NO! They were both civil toward each other and even got together later to talk about more hats and there was still no offending, hurt feelings or drama.

Oh, I can just imagine my perfect little drama free world now: I'd be the sassy pink dog and a guy I am interested in takes the spot of the yellow dog. Our encounter could go something like this:

Me: Hello
Him: Hello
Me: Do you like me? 
like you.
Him: ________
(No, yes, not now, HE** no)

We would then either link arms and attend a party on top of a tree or we would speed of in our separate directions. Once we come in contact again, even after rejection, we could still go on like normal, having both moved on and neither one freaking out or taking things out of proportion.

Thank you PD Eastman for giving me hope. 

Monday, December 12, 2011

Commitment Phobia

I just left school for the last time of my first semester of grad school. Wow, that was the most ridiculous way to say that the semester is over! It has been the best semester of my college career and personally the most reveling. In these last four months, I have learned a lot not only in school but about myself. So, I am going to make a list of the most notable things I've learned.

  • I love stats! - I wrote an entire 30 page research paper (with the help of Giulia), which included analyzing 30 animated films. Minus the stress and pressure of time restraints, I loved it. 

  • Insta-friends are the best kind - I have a cohort of 10 students in my masters program. We are all super different with different personalities, however, we all get along great. And, being new to Utah it was great to get 10 friends without even having to work at it. We all know that if it were up to me, I wouldn't have worked at it and therefore wouldn't have had any friends. 

  • It is useless to try and not be a night owl- At the beginning of the semester, I tried to go to school early (since most of my classes were later) to get my work done and get ahead in classes. That was the biggest failure of my life. I then changed back to my old ways, staying up until at least 2 am everyday, and the fruits of my labor were so much greater. 

  • There is a threshold to my patience - I would consider myself a patient person. However, if I am stressed, sleep deprived and haven't had enough alone time, I become super irritable. (SORRY)

  • I'm gonna do my thesis on something related to animation- I really enjoyed my research project on animation and feel like I have started on the path to know a lot more about it, so why not make it my thesis! One less thing to stress about. 

  • I have commitment and attachment issues- Actually, when I googled my symptoms it said that I have Commitment Phobia and Attachment Disorder (and yes, google is the right place to go to get psychological diagnosis). 
Some of the symptoms I have always known I have: slow and careful to get friends (usually I'd rather not have them), it is rare for me to really like a guy and if I do it is easy for me to talk myself out of it (just give me a week or two), it is a constant battle to convince myself to want a family of my own (my worst fear is that I will marry a guy and he will die leaving me alone or that I will have a child at it will die and I will lose myself in depression).
Symptoms I've learned this semester: I have an internal debate every time I am invited to do something with our group (the more time I spent with them the more I will be attached and when you're attached it is harder to move on), I don't even like to keep my text books because they will end up being outdated, I don't like to take photos of me in a group because I will then have to associate that place with those people and once it seems I am close to someone I have to pull myself away or I end up feeling totally smothered.
I was asked this semester if I had my heart broken or some sort of bad experience to make me this way and as far as I knew, I hadn't. As I notice more and more of my issues, I have given a lot of thought to what would cause me to have these fears and act this way. Then, a few nights ago, I remembered a time when I was about 10-years old, my little sister was about 4 and we shared the bottom of a white metal bunk-bed. One day, she was attacked by a dog. I didn't see it happen but I remember her screaming and I remember seeing my mom hold her with blood all over the two of them. My dad drove to the hospital as my mom held her and us three kids stayed home with my grandma. I remember that night being horribly long and scary. She had tons of stitches and puncture wounds on her face and head but she was alive and had no lasting problems. I know this was traumatic for me because as I look back, for months after, I would hold her hand while she slept and cry myself to sleep as I imagined how I could've lived without her. (Just writing this is making me feel like I need paper bag to breath into.) This is the first instance I can think that I felt this fear of someone leaving me, and I guess it just stuck with me. 
So, in a nut shell it has been a great semester. I am mostly looking forward to next semester. Truly, the only thing I am nervous about is that another semester with my insta-friends will inevitably lead to getting even closer :)