Commitment Phobia

I just left school for the last time of my first semester of grad school. Wow, that was the most ridiculous way to say that the semester is over! It has been the best semester of my college career and personally the most reveling. In these last four months, I have learned a lot not only in school but about myself. So, I am going to make a list of the most notable things I've learned.

• I love stats! - I wrote an entire 30 page research paper (with the help of Giulia), which included analyzing 30 animated films. Minus the stress and pressure of time restraints, I loved it. 

• Insta-friends are the best kind - I have a cohort of 10 students in my masters program. We are all super different with different personalities, however, we all get along great. And, being new to Utah it was great to get 10 friends without even having to work at it. We all know that if it were up to me, I wouldn't have worked at it and therefore wouldn't have had any friends. 

• It is useless to try and not be a night owl- At the beginning of the semester, I tried to go to school early (since most of my classes were later) to get my work done and get ahead in classes. That was the biggest failure of my life. I then changed back to my old ways, staying up until at least 2 am everyday, and the fruits of my labor were so much greater. 

• There is a threshold to my patience - I would consider myself a patient person. However, if I am stressed, sleep deprived and haven't had enough alone time, I become super irritable. (SORRY)

• I'm gonna do my thesis on something related to animation- I really enjoyed my research project on animation and feel like I have started on the path to know a lot more about it, so why not make it my thesis! One less thing to stress about. 

• I have commitment and attachment issues- Actually, when I googled my symptoms it said that I have Commitment Phobia and Attachment Disorder (and yes, google is the right place to go to get psychological diagnosis). 

Some of the symptoms I have always known I have: slow and careful to get friends (usually I'd rather not have them), it is rare for me to really like a guy and if I do it is easy for me to talk myself out of it (just give me a week or two), it is a constant battle to convince myself to want a family of my own (my worst fear is that I will marry a guy and he will die leaving me alone or that I will have a child at it will die and I will lose myself in depression).

Symptoms I've learned this semester: I have an internal debate every time I am invited to do something with our group (the more time I spent with them the more I will be attached and when you're attached it is harder to move on), I don't even like to keep my text books because they will end up being outdated, I don't like to take photos of me in a group because I will then have to associate that place with those people and once it seems I am close to someone I have to pull myself away or I end up feeling totally smothered.

I was asked this semester if I had my heart broken or some sort of bad experience to make me this way and as far as I knew, I hadn't. As I notice more and more of my issues, I have given a lot of thought to what would cause me to have these fears and act this way. Then, a few nights ago, I remembered a time when I was about 10-years old, my little sister was about 4 and we shared the bottom of a white metal bunk-bed. One day, she was attacked by a dog. I didn't see it happen but I remember her screaming and I remember seeing my mom hold her with blood all over the two of them. My dad drove to the hospital as my mom held her and us three kids stayed home with my grandma. I remember that night being horribly long and scary. She had tons of stitches and puncture wounds on her face and head but she was alive and had no lasting problems. I know this was traumatic for me because as I look back, for months after, I would hold her hand while she slept and cry myself to sleep as I imagined how I could've lived without her. (Just writing this is making me feel like I need paper bag to breath into.) This is the first instance I can think that I felt this fear of someone leaving me, and I guess it just stuck with me. 

So, in a nut shell it has been a great semester. I am mostly looking forward to next semester. Truly, the only thing I am nervous about is that another semester with my insta-friends will inevitably lead to getting even closer :)