Friday, March 23, 2012

Are You Afraid of the Dark???

Do you remember watching Are You Afraid of the Dark when you were a kid? Us Akers, we were fans we even had the computer game that we spent an entire summer trying to beat. What does this have to do with anything? Well, todays self-disclosure question is about fear.

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

There are not many things I am afraid of. I am not afraid of the dark or heights, I am not even afraid of spiders or scorpions. I can go through hours of turbulence on a flight to Australia and not ever fear that the  airplane might fall out of the sky. So, to come up with three fears I have had to dig deep.

Fear #1 - Someone I love unexpectedly dying

I am not afraid of death.
I am, however, deathly afraid of the time when someone I love dies. I am afraid of this for very selfish reasons. I am afraid of this because if one of my parents, siblings, a future husband or child were to die, I cannot fathom how I would deal with it. I can easily see myself falling apart. This is a trial that I cannot prepare myself for.

I cannot imagine the pain I would feel and I don't know how I would chose to get through that pain. I have read enough books and seen enough movies with distraught characters to know there are many ways to deal with this type of death:

  • I could get so depressed that I don't get out of bed. No one would be able to rely on me, I wouldn't be able to eat or drink and I would probably stink. People would wonder if I had died and I would assure them that I had in every way short of physically. 
  • I could blame God. I would fill myself with so much hatred for Him and the world that I would throw away every standard I have ever had. I would become an alcoholic and I'd probably get some sort of STD because I would start sleeping around. 
  • Another option would be to lay on the bathroom floor for days and then decide to bake (like Izzy after Denny died). I'd just bake hundreds and hundreds of muffins.The life insurance check would be left on the fridge and my friends would start to hate the smell of freshly baked goods. 
This may seem like a silly fear but I really don't want to ever be so depressed that I am suicidal or hate God while contracting an STD or spend my life as a mute and poor baker. 

Fear #2 - Mediocrity 

I am frequently racked with the unshakable worry of being mediocre or less than mediocre. In what? In LIFE! What if I never amount to anything? I have spent my life being "ok" or "good" at a lot of things but never "great" or "amazing" at anything. If I keep that up my life is going to go down a road I don't want to be on. 
  • I could be a drop out. I would go home to Arizona and stop coming to school because I HATE it about this time of the semester. 
  • I could end up with a mediocre job making less than 20 grand a year for the rest of my life. 
  • I could be in debt the rest of my life. Dave Ramsey would never be proud of me because I'd never get out of my student loans, credit card debt and they might have to repo my car. 
  • I could always be the girlfriend who reminded you that you want someone better. 
  • I could go to the Terrestrial Kingdom. (Tangent for those who don't know what that is: In the Mormon/LDS church we believe that there are three levels of heaven. The first is the Celestial Kingdom where you'll live with God. Then it's the Terrestrial Kingdom for those who weren't bad but weren't good. Then there's the Telestial Kingdom for those who are bad.) I could not be good enough for the Celestial and not bad enough for Telestial, just mediocre Terrestrial... 
Fear #3 - Having a Child

There are so many things that can go terribly wrong in parenthood and I am sure I wouldn't be spared a single one. 

  • There's a possibility of a miscarriage or still born child, see fear #1. 
  • There's a possibility of having two or more at the same time. (Thanks mom). 
  • There's a possibility I could kill it. Putting it in the crib the wrong way, feeding it the wrong thing, forgetting it in the car, taking it out in public too soon, not teaching it to look before it crosses the street... 
  • There's a possibility I wouldn't teach it what it needs to be taught: education wise and spiritually. 
  • There's a possibility it would hate me.
  • There's a possibility I would screw it up psychologically. 
  • There's a possibility I couldn't love it how a child needs to be loved. 
  • There's a possibility somebody would hurt it. 
  • I could fail. 

These aren't your average fears, but they are the fears that keep me up at night. Hope you like learning more about me...Hope you don't think I'm too weird! 

What are you afraid of? 

Sunday, March 11, 2012


I was out to dinner with some friends this week and we got talking about personalities. It is a known fact that I am an introvert through and through so I didn't think it would come as a shock to any of my school friends that there is a lot to me that they don't know.

My home away from home... 
Through group projects, class, cooking lessons and countless hours in the SPSS lab in the Brimhall, Giulia thought she knew me pretty well and asked if there were even things she didn't know about me. On the spot I told her that I have about 6 layers to me and she knows me to about the 2nd level. Needless to say, she was shocked. But heck, out of the billions of people in the world I would say 6 know me at a level of 6 and they are all blood related and two people know me on a 5 level so to be on a level 2 after only 6 months is pretty good.

So, in the essence of self disclosure, I have decided to take part in a list. Jessie put up a list on her blog of 30 questions she would answer about herself, one for each day of the week. You guys won't be that lucky as to get me to blog every day, so I will take them in increments of 5, that is 5 a month.

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

Today, I will be answering #1

List 20 random facts about yourself.

  1. I have freckled shoulders from summers full of swimming
  2. My favorite cereal is Enviro Kids Koala Crisps
  3. My favorite color is green 
  4. When I was a baby my shoulder would come out of place so often the doctor taught my mom how to put it back
  5. I have only been given flowers once and they were from my sister
  6. I would really like to go to a horse race someday. 
  7. Sometimes I can laugh so hard I pee
  8. I have grey hairs
  9. My favorite candy are the seasonal reeses that are shaped as things like eggs, pumpkins and christmas trees
  10. A dirty sink drives me crazy
  11. I could live off of Diet Dr. Pepper
  12. Some day, I want a Pottery Barn couch
  13. Puppies make me happy, but I am not a big fan of dogs. In fact, I am a little scared of them
  14. According to my sister, I laugh in my sleep
  15. I would like to learn how to shoot a gun
  16. I love eating out and trying new places
  17. An addiction of mine is movies
  18. My nose often gets cold
  19. I once gave a speech about how using the same knife in the peanut butter as the jam is a pet peeve of mine
  20. I have a cabbage patch doll of my very own

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

I thought morning sickness was for pregnant women...

The week of January 22 I was really sick to my stomach. I couldn't keep any food down except gluten free rice crispies and when I ate those I felt nauseated. On top of the nausea, I have this horrible upper abdominal pain, the only description I can come up with is either heartburn times 1000 or that I swallowed an SOS pad and it scratched the heck out of my insides.

Finally, after a week I went to the doctor. When the nurse checked me in she asked is there any chance you could be pregnant?
Let's see, I'm nauseated all the time mostly in the mornings. Just the thought of some foods makes me gag. Besides 7up and crackers, I ate a Cafe Rio salad 5 times last week because it was the only thing my mind thought I could eat without throwing up. I have heart burn x 1000. I'm tired all the time and cranky... Sounds like I could be, but oh with the whole no sex thing I'd have to say, "Nope, no way I'm pregnant." 
After the visit I tried to get blood taken (the only guy in the lab to take my blood must have been a newbie. He poked me in both arms and both hands only to miss the veins in my arms and collapsed the ones in my hands. I had bruises for weeks!). I then went back the next day to get my blood taken again and the results were... drum roll please...normal.

So, the doctor gave me some medicines for acid reflux and ulcers to try for a week and see if it helped. It didn't so she ordered me an ultrasound for gallstones. No gallstones. So, she ordered a HIDA scan. This was an interesting one...

  • A nuclear medicine Hepatobiliary scan (Hida scan) is used to evaluate the function of your gallbladder and sphincter of oddi dysfunction (SOD).
  • Once I got into the procedure room, I got onto a little table and it moved me under a half cat-scan looking thing. 
  • They put an IV in my arm and that put a radioactive material into my body that tricked my liver into producing bile. 
  • After that had gone through me (there is a screen there where you watch it go through your body) they inject another hormone into my body that tells my gallbladder I just ate. My gallbladder will then be monitored to see how well it gets rid of the bile. 
  • This whole process took about 2 hours. The second thing they injected in me made me really sick to my stomach so I just slept for most of it. (Even though the screen was super interesting to watch.) 
After all of that, as strange as it sounds, I was hoping they would tell me my gallbladder wasn't working so they could take it out and I could go back to feeling good. Welp, the doctor called and the ol' gallbladder is working at 97%, better than average. Since I am still feeling like crap, she changes up my meds a little, takes a little more blood (this time the person was smart enough to warm up my hand before taking the blood out of it) and ordered an endoscopy. I had never had one before so I had no idea all the strings attached to such a request. 

  • The most surprising part of the test was that when I got to the hospital, I had to pay $100 upfront. Goodbye rent money... 
  • I had to inconvenience someone to take me to the hospital and stay for 5 hours. Not only that, but I live on the other side of town and she had to come pick me up at my house and take me back after. (I was so out of it I didn't even think until right now to give her gas money...)
  • The longest part was waiting. I waited in the waiting room. Then I changed and got hooked up to monitors and IV's and waited. Then they took me into the procedure room and I waited.
  • The doctor came in and I was finally given the anesthesia. (Before she gave it to me I wanted to see how long I could hold out and not be effected. As the nurse stood over me and said "this could take 45 seconds" I was consciously trying to stay awake and I lasted about 3.5 seconds. That was at 1:15pm. After, I remember waking up with the doctor behind me talking to my friend and then it was 1:40. 
  • The doc said he didn't see any ulcers and that I needed to follow up with my primary physician. 
  • Once I was awake, I felt pretty lucid but they made me stay there to get fully woken up. The nurse said that I shouldn't make any phone calls because I could end up leaving the equivalent of a drunken message on someone's answering machine. 
  • Once I was home, I stayed up for quite a few more hours then I had an unrestful night of sleep. But in the middle of my 9 am class I was so tired I thought I would pass out, so I headed home and slept the entire day. 
With all those tests and a month and a half of not feeling well, turns out I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and I am depressed. What the hell, can I get my 100 bucks back? 

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Have I Eaten? Have I Prayed? Have I Loved? - Vintage

This is part of my Vintage Blog Collection

Has every step of my life really been taken blindly?

Sometimes as I go from step to step it seems like I'm getting on and off a bucket seat from the haunted mansion ride at Disneyland. It just flows one, even, steady, emotionless speed. The path has an array of aesthetic effects but the flow stays the same. You can start and never stop. The beginning is a running start and the end (if you recognize it) is a running jump. If there weren't an employee there to tell you to get off you would literally go on for ever in the same melancholy motions. on...see...hear...feel...repeat...

Every decision in my life, I haven't had to make, things just happen. High school comes and goes, friends are placed in my path, job opportunities come, applications to college are accepted, favors are asked, love is found, love is lost, money is given, money is taken, rules come and go... I always just took it as fate. They offered me the job? I have to take it, fate gave me this opportunity. I got into that school? Well, I have to go there, the fates want me there. So-and-so likes me? I have to like him back, the fates want it.... If fate didn't want these things to happen, they wouldn't have come up. RIGHT???

It's almost like I'm a horse that takes people on the same path every day all day, and today, I am boringly taking it again. Somedays though, I get done with one round and feel this overwhelming sense of excitement that today will be the day for my real adventure. Only to find out it's the same dang path masked in a tropical climate or a fancy outfit.

I read today that "it's better to live your destiny imperfectly than live an imitation of someone else's life perfectly."

I think that up to this point in my life I have lived an imitated life as perfect as possible and don't have any clue what MY destiny is.When I try and imagine a change in speed or a directional change that would enhance the ride, I don't know what I'd do or even if I should do anything different. I really don't know who I am. What do I love to do? What are my passions? What would make ME happy? What makes my life, MY LIFE?